remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
