I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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