I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
