Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
