My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
