He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
