You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
