he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
