i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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