On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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