chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
