I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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