I think i peed on brittanys purse
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
