dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
