Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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