I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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