I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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