I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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