just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
