have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
