He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
