My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
You have to summon your inner elephant
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
