I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
