Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Sorry about my life...
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
