you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
