Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
it's great music for shaving your balls
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
