He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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