tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
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