um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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