he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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