Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Randomize
