im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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