he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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