are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
