i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
