I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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