I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
