my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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