brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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