I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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