all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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