i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
