If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Randomize
