soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
