Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
