why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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