Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
