my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
