I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
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