so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
What a dumb baby whore.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
