I think scott just propositioned me for sex
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
