you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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