I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
